30 Years Old

13 October 2016

I turn 30 tomorrow…

This is a sobering moment for me. How long have I lived my life with the thought that there will be unlimited tomorrows? That my life would have no end? Where I could waste my days and still have time make experiences later?

Somehow I’ve been living life wrong. My life isn’t my own. It’s the media’s, the society’s, the fear of failure’s. I’ve been living for 30 years now -barring any major incidents this half my life,¬†a third if I’m lucky. I’ve consumed more media than I care to relive and those memories are far from substantial.

I spent 30 hours on Helldivers over the past few days. I binge watched season 1 of Freakish (5.5 hours). I must have spent countless hours binge watching random TV shows. Honestly the plots of these TV shows are largely forgettable. Games, TV -all instant access media really, are unbelievably satisfying but lack any substance. The feeling of completing some random objective, the satisfaction of completing a show and the thought of finishing next one -pure bliss.

Substance. I’ve used that word twice now. What does it mean? A quantifiable definition is one thing, but I speak of a qualitative aspect -a feeling, maybe an experience? I’ll have to revisit this in the future.

I need to find a new way to live and I need to find a way to stick to it.