Depression at 30

update: featured image credit to Shawn Coss [http://www.boredpanda.com/author/subconart/]

17 October 2016
Update: 18 October 2016

A part of me still can’t believe that I’m 30. If life is measured by accomplishments then I can’t help but believe that I’ve somehow fallen behind. How many of my bucket list goals have I met and accomplished in these past few years??? These last few months of (F)unemployment have not been very fun. I’ll have to admit to myself that I’ve been suffering from an undiagnosed case of depression (God that word sounds so… depressing). That’s what it is; no point in skirting around the reality of the situation any longer.

I still have goals and things that I need to do and I cannot get them done from underneath the covers of my bed, nor from binging behind a PC screen. I must find a way to force myself to be fully conscious and in the moment -I fear that for a majority of my adult life I have only lived a half life in an inebriated stupor and weighed down by my very own body.

hold up. I need to bring attention to this: the present continuous conjugation of binge is binging… BINGING!!! English is so weird!

I have suffered from depression (I really hate that word) through out high school and university, though have never been clinically diagnosed or have sought out treatment. I have suffered on believing that my state is normal, lying to myself and reiterating that my dearth of energy is one that can simply be solved with sufficient determination. I would look at others in envy of their seemingly boundless energy and their hearty strength of character, then slink away to the shadow of my sullen and barren domain. I was shackled by my very own body.

For too long I have pushed down and skillfully hidden those feelings of self contempt. I brandished them only to myself and held them close as if the were some source of toxic pride, as though saying to the world ‘Here I am! I suffer! I live!’. But the truth is that this was merely an excuse. I didn’t want help, I didn’t want to admit that I was so weak willed and that I was not the master of my own body. I chose to maintain a decaying lie instead of building a future.

Suffice to say, failure was the common and normal circumstance; lasting results was few if non existent. Moments of sobering clarity would fade away leaving me a sullen husk. These energizing sparks that are a supposed to be a permanent catharsis -a signal of inspiration and major life change, were fleeting moments that wouldn’t last. It was never long until I would sink and fall back into this cursed stupor. It was never long before I was a walking zombie; trudging through an endless existence with faint glimmers and sparks of clarity is no way to live.

How much of my personal and psychological development has been stunted??? Why had I never sought out help before??? When will I gain control of my life??? Where would I be in my bucket list??? What adventures did I miss out on??? Who were the great loves that I was too tired to meet???

This time I have to find a way to make this spark last. I have to finally come to terms with the realization that I cannot do this as I am now. It’s time to accept that as I am now I won’t be able to complete my life’s work, that I could potentially be trudging through the remaining years of my life as I have with my first 30. I have to accept that I will need a crutch in order to move forward -with a crutch I’ll be able to move forward… somehow.

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21 March 2016

ugh I feel disgusting… the past week and a half I spent fully indulging my gluttony & sloth. Hours of computer games, binge watching Daredevil & other movies on NetFlix, and worst of all I haven’t gotten anything done from my to do list.

A week like this just can’t happen. Looking back on my past week it feels like a blur of emptiness with no real accomplishments or moments of significant note to speak of (hence no blog posts). That is the type of person I do not want to be. Its not who I am, its not what feeds my soul and pushes me to greater heights.

All of this came to a head when my physical returned some surprising results: since I last weighed myself (around the time I started at Tesco in 2014) it would seem that I’ve gained some weight. I’m 164.7lbs (74.7kgs)!!! Yikes!!! This is a far cry from the 140lbs of my days in HK. I know that that was 8 years ago, and I was a fitness freak, but it is not a good feeling to be this far away from your peak physical condition.

Well all this ends now. I’ve broken numerous of my unemployment rules. The first 4 rules actually. Damn. 1 week is a lot of wasted time… OK time to get back on track.

WEEK TO DO LIST:

  • Sena 20S unboxing page
  • weekly fitness challenges
  • entranceway blackboard build plan
  • DIY panniers build plan
  • CMA Professional Experience Report!!

 

07 March 2016

One of my goals for this funemployment period of my career is to do a lot more motorcycle trips. In that vein, there are a few things that I need to do to get Marina (my 2007 BMW F650GS single) to the point where I can comfortably and reliably tour. The list includes:

  • a front lower mud guard (I had an unfortunate incident with an other car)
  • a glove box cover (I got too excited after finishing some mods and it flew off while on deerfoot)
  • side racks
  • DIY panniers
  • USB ports
  • a phone mount
  • a throttle lock

I just bought a used lower mudguard from eBay this morning scoring a savings of $80CAD off the factory price. I’m so excited for my bike to be whole again!!! I’ll post pics once I get these parts attached and tested out.

As for places to visit this summer:

Canada Destinations:

  • Vancouver
  • Victoria
  • Banff
  • Kelowna

US Destinations:

  • Seattle
  • Portland
  • LV ???
  • Alsaka

04 March 2016

Its only my second day of unemployment, but I still have much to do. I can no longer put off the admin tasks that are pending -that means applying for EI and Alberta Blue Cross.

A quick google search will provide a wealth of resources to review if you do get laid off.

For functional recommendations checkout the following links:

https://hbr.org/2015/07/how-to-bounce-back-after-getting-laid-off

http://www.job-hunt.org/layoffs/surviving-a-layoff.shtml

For more inspirational ones have a look:

http://www.theminimalists.com/fired/

On the list for the rest of today: building myself back up and doing some selfish things. Ultimately that means motorcycle maintenance and LOTS of planning for the many road trips that I’ve been meaning to get to, but have never really found the time to do. A nice haircut, a shined up bike (mmmm clean fork seals -thanks Doctor Seal!!!), and a quick call for some salvage parts can really make a person feel brand new.

On my emotional state: I still can’t believe I was laid off! It still seems like some sort of dream. I’m still riding that wave of euphoria and that sense of wonder and possibility. This really is the happiest I’ve been in a long time.

Have any useful links & comments for the recently unemployed? Feel free to comment down below!!!